せめて、あの雪のように
by chromate
Summary: He spotted her working an indecent part-time job. She asks if he likes her. He wonders why he enjoys her company. Main Theme: enjo-kosai/compensated dating. Inspired by a doujin of the same title.
1. Chapter 1

This fic is inspired by the doujin "せめて、あの雪のように" (roughly translated as 'at least she's just like snow: I read the Chinese version so this is the best that I can translate the title into). It's one of the few non-hentai doujin that I really come across and really like. I'll say half the idea of the whole story is based on the doujin while I change some backgrounds and add some of my own ideas into it.

This story is intended to be dark. There'll be a total of 4 chapters and this one is relatively short, but I hope you'll like it nonetheless.

As disclaimer, I still have not much idea of what Charlotte's last name is since I've seen both 'Dunois' and 'Dunoa' in various sites. For convenience purpose I'll stick to 'Dunois' for this fic, only because I think it looks/sounds better than 'Dunoa'.

For ease of reading, I'd suggest you change the view to 1/2 as if reading a book. Personally I find it more enjoyable to read in that way.

Now, please enjoy the story.

* * *

'_Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically.' – D.H. Lawrence, 'Lady Chatterley's Lover'

* * *

_

_I would have never guessed I would meet her in such circumstances._

_That was a relatively peaceful night when I finished my part-time work at a convenience store. Leaving the place that had trapped my freedom for four hours, I intended to have a quick dinner before going back home. It's nine in the evening and I wasn't entirely in the mood to cook dinner for myself._

_My parents passed away long time ago in a traffic accident, leaving me and my elder sister behind. She's having yet another meeting in the headquarter and she probably wouldn't be home until past midnight. Yes, Chifuyu-nee was a public prosecutor, and she always stayed in either her office or the police department to work overtime. She's always busy with work that I was constantly left alone. Not that I'd blame her though. Supporting both of us by herself was quite a thing to do._

_Anyway, having someone to serve you sounded a better idea to relax for a night. Besides, Chifuyu-nee never cooked. I had been the one cooking ever since we're left alone in the house._

_I left the main street and aimlessly tried to look for a random place to eat when a familiar figure caught my eyes. I saw a girl with braided blond hair standing next to a vending machine in an empty park, seemingly waiting for someone. Not many people wander around this park as it was rather far from city centre. Her face was easily recognizable: after all, there weren't that much blonde I knew in my school. She was the girl from the other class in my year, a mixed beauty in all aspects. Popular among boys and girls, she and I never talked though: I just knew her, that's all. It was hard not to know the idol of your school, you know, when people constantly talked about how perfect she was. If I remembered correctly, she was also in the School Tennis Team and had a position in the Student's Council, although I've heard a rumour that she quitted both recently._

_Why a young and pretty girl like her was alone in such an ungodly hour was unknown to me at that moment. The pale blue shirt of her fit her dim green sweater perfectly. Wearing such a cute violet skirt made her an eye-candy of every male passing by her. I found it strange though: to avoid running into my annoying classmates, I worked at a place far away from school, and I dared say I hadn't heard anyone live near this area. So why was she here?_

_Her company had arrived, stopping in front of her to catch his breath. A middle-aged bald man with a plainly-designed jacket on his hand._

_What the heck? _

_A girl about my age just crossed arms with a middle-aged bald man with thick glasses. Judging from the white shirt and black trousers that he was wearing, he just got off work from his office. Just another normal employee in the city. His face was flushing from the close contact but the blonde seemed perfectly fine with it. If I was holding anything I would have dropped it to the floor out of shock. I kept on blinking until I was sure I needed not glasses to confirm what was happening there was real. Mentally I crossed out 'father' or 'uncle' or 'relative' from possible categories that I could think of. An idea of what was going on crossed my mind, but I dared not to jump to conclusion. Although right now it seemed highly probably…_

_That was when she caught my stares as I thought to myself. I could see surprises there, and she stopped talking to that old guy for a second to look at me, silently gasping. I looked back at her like an idiot. I didn't know why but my eyes seemed glued to hers. It was only after another couple walked through my vision that I realized they had left. I tried to look around to spot them again, but my effort left in vain. I gulped and recalled the scene back then, begging to myself for another plausible explanation, other than my own hopefully false assumption, for what I had just witnessed._

_That was the first time I met Charlotte Dunois.

* * *

_

On my way to school, I keep on thinking about what happened last night, of what I had witnessed. Somehow the image of her stunned face cannot escape from my mind. I have spent the whole night trying to let this thing go, hoping that I was merely hallucinating, but I failed miserably, and insomnia attacked me at my weakest state.

In addition to that, I just feel something has hit my back. Hard.

'What's with the long face Ichika?' I hear a voice beaming from behind. I groan and turn to face my childhood friend, Gotanda Dan, with an annoyed expression that mutters all the curses I've known in my life.

'Hmm…let me guess. Insomnia?'

Glad that you guess it right. And thanks for waking me up by breaking my spine.

'Com'on, it's not that bad.' Then he goes on his usual mumbling of how he and his sister had another fight last night and how his parents are always protecting his sister, Ran. Usual stuff.

Dan is not a bad person though. In fact, he's my best friend since junior high. We were both in the basketball team and in the same class ever since then. Even I myself find it surprising that in our second year of senior high we're still in the same class. His long red hair is a reason that he stands out of the crowd, and he always brags about how his hair is attractive to girls. Given that he hasn't had a single girlfriend in his life so far, I'd rather not comment on that issue.

'And that's how Ran won the fight again…hey are you even listening?' Noticing that my show locker is in sight, I decide to ignore him and change my shoes. Gomen Dan, but there's too many things running in my head now to listen to your routine chaotic fight with your sister.

'Orimura-san?'

I really shouldn't have peeked that long last night.

Charlotte Dunois is standing next to a column of shoe lockers, leaning on it for support. This is the first time for me to have a direct conversation with her, and I observe her quickly. Her countenance does not show any kind of frustration, awkwardness or ignorance that I kind of expected her to have. She looks as calm as a lady in peace. Her eyes…when I notice more carefully I realize they are violet. I know that she is the daughter of a French father and a Japanese mother, but I never think that foreigners look so…attractive in the sense of charisma. Our school's white uniform clings tightly to her well-developed body, with her green tie hanging neatly from her collar. She seems to have shortened her dark blue skirt a bit, just like any other girl does, showing her long legs with few to hide. Reminds me of why I like this school again.

This isn't time for daydreaming, you hentai. I have to remind myself that your school idol does not just appear and talk to an anonymous for no reasons.

Y –yes? I somehow manage to mutter.

'Do you have a minute?' She smiles. Yes, she is smiling at me. A curve on her face that sends chills down my spine. Dan seems petrified, and some people around are starting to whisper among each other. Seeing (former) tennis team star player and (current) basketball team player talking to each other must be a good source of rumour, I reckon. Not that I enjoy bragging about myself like my moronic best friend does.

Yes, I reply. Not that I stand a chance against that bright, warm smile anyway.

* * *

_End of Part I

* * *

_

I know there's nothing much here. I actually have the second chapter ready but then decide breaking it into separate parts seems easier for people to read.

Hope you enjoy reading this. Please kindly review and stay tuned for the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

'_It is most certainly a good thing that the world knows only the beautiful opus but not its origins, not the conditions of its creation; for if people knew the sources of the artist's inspiration, that knowledge would often confuse them, alarm them, and thereby destroy the effects of excellence.' – Thomas Mann, Death in Venice

* * *

_

Rooftop.

In manga and anime, rooftop seems to be a common place for romantic things like confession, secret dating and even ecchi stuff to happen. Thinking about that thrills me for a mere second, as I know that is not the reason why I'm here. I have witnessed something that I shouldn't have last night and the victim of my curiosity is leaning on the fences now. She has her back on me so I cannot see her expression clearly. We did not exchange a single word when we climbed up the stairs, but I did hear her hum a joyful song along the way.

'I didn't expect to get caught like that. I really should have asked to meet him somewhere farther away,' she states flatly, 'I didn't realize before someone from my school works near that place.'

Me neither, I murmur. After all, I deliberately chose a place far away to avoid embarrassment of being seen by schoolmates. I look into her eyes when she turns halfway to look at me, while her hands are still holding onto the fences. Eyes are the mirror to your soul, and my eyes show only shame now. Hers demonstrate a warm sense of peacefulness that I admire, in fact.

Who is he? He doesn't look like your father or relative.

I blurt out and regret it immediately. Baka. Always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

She chuckles, hiding her mouth partly with a hand. 'I think you know, Orimura-san.'

I do not really understand how she can be so tranquil when asked such a question. I look at her, mouth open, but dare not to speak. She looks at me and smiles sadly.

'He's a client.'

When people say words can kill, I never quite understand what it means until now. Three simple words that sound so toxic and suffocating cannot possibly exist. She stated that simply and plainly, without any hesitation to cover it. I thought people would be embarrassed or shameful by admitting that, but she makes it sound so neutral that it scares me.

'So, looking down on me? Or just having many thought?'

Nothing much, actually. People earn to make a living.

She looks at me, gawked. Why? I didn't say anything philosophical or schizophrenic. It can be just as simple as that, can't it?

'Don't just show a casual face like that. You'll look boring.'

I scratch my head in confusion. She didn't say that as in a scolding manner. Instead, I notice there is a faint blush on her cheeks as she smiles shyly while making that statement. I never hang out with girls like Dunois-san, as I know I will not be able to figure them out. Those girls are not the type that I can handle well. It seems that I have been right all along.

Why do you do it though?

'For love.'

Love?

'People pay for love, Orimura-san,' Charlotte turns her vision away from me, looking at people playing in the ground several floors below us. 'We are taught to seek love, to go on a date, to get married. No one ever explains what love is and why we love.'

I just stare at her, not really knowing what to say when she's making such a serious statement. The only thing I notice is how the wind tangles with her blond hair and that she has let her hair down, have removed her braid.

'Social pressure. Social expectation. Social conformity. Couples constantly fight over jealousy. Married people find their love diminish over time. They wonder what has gone wrong. They yearn for a psychological substance, namely love, that never exists in their relationships, but that they think it had because that is what they're told by others. They want to feel connected when they can't. They want to be touched, be listened, be loved,' she takes a deep breath, 'and that's what I do. I give them what they need, what they fail to find in life. I make them feel better.'

If not for that depressingly mischievous smile on her face, I probably would have laughed and waved her off. Yet I cannot. My head is full of questions and wonders about this girl, this strange girl whom I just officially befriend five minutes ago.

'You will be amazed how people are willing to pay for something that is supposedly immeasurable by dollar signs,' she goes on. 'It isn't that hard of a thing for others to do, you know. A wife just needs to complain less for a minute and listen, and I mean really listen, to her husband. A mother needs to criticize less what her child does and communicates with him or her. A father simply can arrive home a bit earlier and have dinner with his children.

'But people nowadays know not how to talk. They speak but never communicate. They gain not what they need but what they want, or what they think others will approve of even when it's against their wills.'

You sound like a counselling psychologist, you know.

She sniggers with her fingers hiding her teeth. I am not sure of why she tells me all about that, as if to clarify her name from any of my misunderstanding. I am not even sure if I want to believe she's just rationalizing her choice.

'Maybe I am indeed. You have to be good at listening to be good at my job.'

Job, huh? I wonder people really treat enjo kosai as a proper job. My obstinate impression on them can be explained in an image of a group of girls being forced to engage in such act by gang members. Charlotte Dunois doesn't seem to fit that picture here, given how cheerfully she talks about it.

Why are you really doing this? I ask again, unable to resist my curiosity and my minor justification of what teenage school girls should do.

'Money.'

Ah. Plain and simple. One word actually hurts more than three.

'Isn't that a good enough reason?' she hums. Seemingly in a good mood, she keeps talking and I mostly just listen, even when the bell has rung to indicate the beginning of our first class. We simply ignore it and talk for the whole period. We talk about all sorts of silly things, from rumours about teachers to my (lack of) love life. Reluctantly we leave the rooftop, and as I take not of her face that charming beam persists on her milky face.

I have no idea why I seem to not mind any of her sarcasm on my (lack of) love life, and that why as an obedient student I skip a class just to talk to a girl whom I barely know. Her voice, or her mere presence, eases my tension. Chifuyu-nee said once that I would never understand women. I think she has a point.

* * *

'Don't you think you're getting too close to Dunois-san lately?'

My body freezes as Dan blurt that out during our basketball training. What are you saying?

'Com'on. Everyone is talking about that now, you know,' my red-haired friend ignores my shocked expression. '_The_ Charlotte Dunois is always seen hanging out with Orimura Ichika of the basketball team. This is now the number one rumour in school, man,' he makes another attempt of a three-pointer and hits the target.

Now that he mentions it, we do talk quite often in school now, ever since our encounter at the rooftop two months ago. I just realize most of the time in past months I spent my lunchtime with her and occasionally we walked home together if she was free. It turns out the rumours about her before was only partly correct: she did quit her position at the Student's Council, but she was still in the school tennis team. People just find it weird sometimes when she wears long pants for training, instead of the usual tennis miniskirt that her fellow team members put on.

'And you think this will not affect people around you, heh?'

I look at him dumbfounded. What do you mean?

He makes a gesture at a girl standing by the court, holding a chart board and talking to the team coach. Her long purple hair is braided in a fashionable ponytail that my team members often drool over. She is none other than Shinonono Houki, our team manager and also my childhood friend. The three of us, Dan included, attend the same junior high together and remain close throughout the years. Furthermore, Houki is…my crush. I have had feelings for her since a long time, but I never dare to make a move. Dan and others always tell me to be initiative or she'll be taken. Well…I wonder anyone other than me can stand that hot-tempered girl. Now don't get me wrong. She's caring and friendly with many people…except me in general, and that's why I am afraid to confess. I'm not a masochist and I am not sure if she will return my feelings. To be honest, I am not even sure why I fall for her in the first place. I just feel…a sense of longing to be with her. Her presence, her gesture, her smile…all minor details of hers can keep me busy in the land of daydreams. I glare daggers at my teammates who are focusing their attention on her than on practice, and say to Dan casually, so what's with Houki?

He just gives me a face that says 'I don't believe you' and sigh. 'Think to yourself, Einstein. How much time have you spent with our dear Houki-chan recently?'

Now that he mentions, I do perceive that I have seen her a lot less lately. I only see her now during team training or in class, as we sit next to each other. Yet she seems rather moody in this month that I dare not to talk to her that much in fear of receiving another of her punches. Yes, you hear me. This girl hits me. Rather hard and frequent too.

Just as our conversation goes, I hear my teammates begin to stare at the spectator stand and I see a group of girls just enter the stadium. Judging from their outfit, I reckon they're from the tennis team. Oh, now that I remember Charlotte has mentioned their practice will be shorter than usual today. Among the group stands the blonde that just appears in my mind. She spots me, waves, and I on reflex wave back. Dan looks at me and then moves his vision to the sideline, and pads my shoulder briefly. 'Good luck pal. I hope to see you alive by the end of training.'

Just as I am trying to figure what he means, I sense a killing instinct coming from our manager. My whole body shivers and I pray that I can live to see tomorrow's sunrise.

Houki somehow convinced the coach that I needed extra physical training and I ended up running around the court for twenty rounds and did hundreds of push-ups in an hour, after our regular practice. I swear, that girl really wants me dead.

Lying on my bed comfortably, my barely-alive consciousness floats to a map of problems. As I rest my eyes, my mind keeps playing what Dan said to me earlier today, regarding my current relationship with Charlotte. We really have been close lately, but I can only think of us as probably 'best friends', yet it doesn't sound right considering that Dan and I are sharing that kind of friendship too as being with Charlotte is different. I feel more…how to say, relaxed and tense at the same time? I constantly remind myself of what her 'part-time job' is, yet I cannot find a justifiable reason to hate her for that. In fact, she admits it so swiftly and sincerely that I find it even harder to dislike or despise her. She is so bright, so carefree, so innocent that I cannot make myself hate her. I can talk about everything to her and she is also a good listener.

So who is she to me?

I sense that my lips curve upwards as I recall an image of her beautiful smile. My face then begins to feel hot. What am I thinking? I do not even notice I've been having images of her in my head since I lay myself on bed, which was…thirty minutes ago.

Do I…like her?

This reminds me of another conversation that constantly pops up between us.

'_Act like a man and confess to Shinonono-san, Ichika.'_

_Easier said than done, your honour. _

'_Aww com'on, I don't get what you're still waiting for after soooo many years.'_

_I thought I might have made a mistake on revealing my feelings towards Houki to her, since Charlotte's most annoying when she raised the subject of Houki in our conversation._

'_On the other hand…' she trailed off and looked at me sweetly, 'you can always ask me out and I'll say yes immediately.'_

_Stop that, Charlotte. It's not funny._

'_But I'm not kidding!' She pouted. Please, your cuteness was killing me now. Had it been my imagination, her eyes just turned fainted slightly for a split of second. _

'_I really will say yes if you just say the magic words.' She sang, as we prepared to leave after finishing our meals. Suddenly she clung to my right arm, transmitting her body heat to me and making mine raise. 'You know,' she whispered into my ears, 'if you just say it, I won't mind doing h-stuff with you any time you like, anywhere you prefer.' In an even lower voice, she breathed, 'I'll save my first time for you, I-chi-ka.'_

_My body temperature reached an unexpectedly high level that obscene images flew through my mind. Not to mention that my arm was now right between her…my nose finally flooded and Charlotte, being herself, jumped away from me, pointed her finger at me and laughed frantically._

'_Ichika no ecchi!' she yelled, earning some suspicious looks from people passing by and they murmured among each other while stealing disdained glances at me. Once again I'd become the centre of attention, for the bad reason._

Charlotte has pinpointed my crush on Houki on the second time we talked, after that first time in the rooftop where we share a decent conversation, and has kept on using that to tease me ever since. It's like she's doing it deliberately to see me blush from embarrassment and mutter nonsense in defence so that she can grin at me, and she does not show any mercy on that matter.

Thinking about that makes me smile actually. I really admire how playful she can be and she's never afraid to show her emotions. Although at times I doubt if that's a façade to hide her pain. Judging from what she has told me about herself, she shares a rather cold relationship with her family. Her father died when she was young, and her step-father, whom her mother married a year ago, did not treat her too well (I never ask what 'too well' means though) and her mother was always busy at work. Her step-father was a good-for-nothing, spending her dad's money on gambling and alcohol, and even beat her mother at times. She also ignored my question of whether she was a victim herself. She would only put on a small smile and continued talking. I figure that that's probably why she goes into this business. After all, enjo kosai, even excluding physical element, really earns a lot more than normal part-time jobs for high school students.

I'm never a person to dig into other's business, but it worries me at times of how she really is feeling. Is my concern over the line? Am I even in any position to worry about her like that?

It is probably the best to settle things as soon as possible. I can't toy with both girls like this, for a lack of better words. I need to resolve my own problems. I need to be sure of my feelings. Tomorrow. I'll talk to Charlotte tomorrow to settle things. My answers to my questions are firm. No regrets.

My throat turns dry instantly just by thinking about that.

* * *

_End of Part II

* * *

_

Contrary to popular belief, enjo kosai does not necessarily involve physical, sexual act, although sex is very common in such practice. It is never mentioned if the female protagonist of the doujin has had such encounters before, so I decided to depict Charlotte as the non-physical type here.

Also, I'd like to apologize for any grammatical mistakes I've made in the first chapter (and probably in this). A kind reviewer, Cytrus, has pointed out some mistakes I've made in previous chapter and I have to say I was very careless in checking my grammar. Not meaning to find excuses, but English is not my mother tongue so I cannot promise there won't be any grammatical errors in my fics. However, I appreciate very much if my dear readers can let me know what my mistakes are so that I can keep on improving.

Again, please do review on what you like/dislike about this so I can make this a better fic.


	3. Chapter 3

'_We have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives' – Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club_

* * *

Ohayo, rooftop-san. We meet again.

On a rare day that both Charlotte and I do not have any club activities, we decide to meet after school. The sky is falling light snow to our head, as winter chases autumn away. It has started snowing a few days ago, and from the top of the building I can see the tops of many houses in the area are painted in white. As I raise my head to the sky and watch the droplets fall, I notice Charlotte is exceptionally quiet today. Usually she'll start a random conversation or make a descriptive observation that somehow infuriates me playfully. Yet, the stillness is not uncomfortable. I feel like after getting closer over to each other over these two months we are capable of staying in the same room in complete silence, as the mere presence of each other gives us enough reassurance of tranquillity.

Yet that does not mean I am not worried over her beings. I asked her this morning that I wanted to talk. As she agreed, I noticed something different about her today. Right now as she stands next to me she looks gloomier than usual. Putting on a long grey scarf over her neck, she has her hands in her brown coat's pocket. She looks around the city aimlessly as if trying to find something interesting to spot on. What makes her that blue today?

'So what do you want to talk about?'

Her violet orbs beam in a swift change of emotion which surprises me. Along with her warm smile, she looks just like the normal Charlotte Dunois that everyone encounters in school every day.

'Where is the ring?' she grins, bending her upper body part to look at me expectantly. 'It's okay if you don't have it though. I'll still accept your love if you just say it,' she teases, swinging her arms in perfect circle freely.

Yeah, yeah. I'm saving money for the perfect ring for you, you know.

She snickers. I sense there is something more to that laugh, as if a mild sadness lies in that. When I asked this morning she joked that I must be preparing to propose to her with the most expensive and beautiful ring that I had just somehow managed to find, just for her. Typical Charlotte. Never failing to find a chance to treat me as her personal toy. Right now my attention, though, is on somewhere else.

'What's with your forehead?'

'Oh,' she blinks awkwardly and hides the white adhesive tape above her right eye, adjusting her bangs to cover it, 'it's nothing. I just accidentally fell last night, that's all.' She gives me a reassuring smile to confirm that she is fine.

Liar.

That has to be a lie, but I figure if Charlotte wants to hide something from me, she must have her reason.

'Rather, what do you want to talk about?' she turns away from my glance, 'you seldom initiate to talk, Ichika. Is this about Shinonono-san?'

Charlotte one, Ichika nil. I am startled. Did she read my mind? Or is it that I am just too easy to read?

'Did she say something about us?'

Not exactly, but close. I guess she is a good mind-reader after all, just like Chifuyu-nee is. I guess women are all good at reading men's mind genetically so as to detect if an affair has taken place. Genetics.

'I guess right, huh?' her eyebrows twist a little, and her eyebrows sadden. She casually take off some snow from her blond hair and leans on the fences in a relaxed manner. 'Isn't that good though, that you finally will confess to her after she gets jealous like this?'

It's not like that, Charlotte, but I somehow cannot get myself to tell her that. I have a feeling if I say so, our relationship – the closeness that Charlotte and I share for the past two months – will be ruined. And I don't want that to happen.

'I'm envious though, you know,' her voice turns dimmer that I am not sure if she's whispering to me or to herself, 'being in love makes one glow. Two people who go to school together, discuss where to go after school, meet together on a weekend, do ecchi things at night and then still smile at each other on the next day…

'It's too charming. It's too bright. It's too beautiful.' Her eyes are closed now as she mutters the last statement. I am at a loss of words. Is that what she thinks love is? Is that what she longs for? Is that what she…longs for?

'Why are you still here, Ichika? She sighs, 'I should not be the one you're seeing now.'

Stop it, please. Stop it.

If she turns around, she may find me struggling to stop my lacrimal glands' functions. My body is shaking. I feel an urge to bark at her, to defy what she has said. Her quietness further enrages my mind.

Why are you saying that?, I growl. Why are you acting like that?

No response, still that smile. The smile. One sad smile that breaks my heart.

Are you toying with me? Are you satisfied with that? Is that what you–

'It's not that,' there she faces me with her head turned, violet eyes gazing at mine, 'but it's because Ichika is not interested in me.'

My consciousness freezes.

'When I say I like you, I mean it.' It is not a typical Dunois-prank. It is not any humorous attempt to tease me. Her fleshy blush on her pale skin confirms that. She is looking at me with her most sincere face. It is not a serious or a flat face. It is a real one. This is the real Charlotte Dunois talking to me now, the one who she has been hiding from at times.

I just stand with my jaws parted. Staring at her truthful eyes does not help at all.

I have thought that my answer is ready. I have thought that I have made up my mind. Logic is not functioning well anymore. There is no logic in such matter. Descartes is wrong. It's all about senses. It's all about feelings. It's all about perceptions. It's all about instincts. You can't think too much and let go of your chance. You can't escape. You have to act. You have to initiate. Nothing waits. Nothing lasts. Nothing will begin.

'Ichika…is really different from other boys…I think you know that, right?' she slowly unties her scarf and removes her coat, letting them drop under gravity. She still wears that melancholy smile on her face, which strikes my sense again. I just keep staring at she unbuttons her uniform, not having the slightest idea what I should do in such situation.

'Father is like that. Uncle is like that. It really troubles me a lot.'

I stare, hard, as she unbuttons her uniform, revealing what is underneath to me.

'All kinds of people, all kinds of thoughts…I know a lot about them. I know what it means to have someone in your mind.'

She is exposing her bare white brassiere to me as her skirt drops a bit, disclosing her white underwear. I'll be killed by the whole male population of the school if they know Charlotte Dunois is standing in front of me with bare uniform on, showing her great figure and perfect skin to me without a care.

What attracts my attention instead is the marks on her neck, waist and thigh. Those dark purple spots that nauseate me. Several more white adhesive tapes are glued to her slim waist.

'The me in this condition…I never reckon I still can have someone lingering in my mind. I never thought about that.'

I gulp. The inappropriate bruises on her skin look like a curse that will haunt me. Her eyes…have become so soft, so tender, so miserable, that shame runs through my veins. The red spots and her milky skins do not match each other at all. I have been near her for the past couple of months but we are so far apart. Has she not mentioned her step-father and uncle I would have thought she got those bruises from her clients. Knowing that they're from people she is bound to be close to certainly darkens my mood even more. I barely know my relatives who do not care much about us since my parents passed away long ago, but causing pain to another is another story. Now I know why she wears long pants for her tennis training.

My mind floats to different dimensions. Various imaginary pictures of how she got those bruises occupy my mind. I could hear her screaming in pain, begging for mercy in vain, while the other person continued to entertain himself, looking amused at her dolorous countenance with a mischievous grin hanging on his brutal face. I mentally wail, crushing my eyelids together forcefully in attempt to remove such images from my mind. Charlotte's expression just sours as my internal struggles intensify.

'Hey Ichika,' I look up to face her, only to find her eyes closed in a relaxed state. She seems relieved to have let her secret out, as her shoulders are not as tense as a few minutes ago. In her bare exposure, she shows no signs of intimidation or shame. Shame is never on her side. Her gestures tell me that she is still genuine, and hopes to break her façade. 'Just once…just once is enough. Will you hold me?

'Even if it's out of total compassion it'll still be alright…I'll be happy still,' then she smiles again. It isn't the typical Dunois-style grin. Just a tiny, sheepish one. The one that I grow fond of. The one that I adore. The one that I dream about at night.

It is pure. It is sincere. It is too bright.

I tremble and refuse to look at her.

How can I?

It's not that her presence disgusts or threatens me. I just feel worthless and helpless. She has wanted someone to lean on for the whole time, but I have not been there for her. I did not give her a shoulder. I did not give her comfort. All I have done is laugh while she weeps.

She remains there, looking at me with a forlorn glint of desperation glowing in her violet eyes. I release my breath and feel very uncomfortable, as the rooftop becomes foggy to my sight. I no longer have the strength to support my will, and I make a cruel call.

* * *

The next day, Charlotte is gone.

The day after, she is nowhere to be found.

A week has past, and no one has seen her at all.

* * *

_End of Part III_

* * *

Writing something based on other's work seems more challenging than I thought, as at times I wonder if I should change its content and add my own interpretations or follow the work strictly. Striving for a balance between the two is hard yet fun to do so. As I read the Chinese version of the doujin, it's also hard to translate some of the beautiful phrases the author used to English and keep the same meaning. Further, using first-person narrative restricts my usage of words a lot too, as I'm not familiar with this writing style. However, that is also a challenge I made for myself, prior to posting this fic here, to explore more on this kind of writing style, so please bear with me if you find it odd.

As some of you might have noticed already, the next chapter will be the last. I'm still wondering if I should give this a happy ending or a sad one, as I labelled it as 'tragedy' at first. The doujin follows the latter (kind of), but I'm not sure if that's what I want to do. I'll be glad to hear from you to see what you think. Most of the things will be explained in next chapter, as I prefer leaving implication than stating things clearly.

Also, I've received messages from readers asking where they can read the original doujin. If you're interested you can copy the title of the story, 'せめて、あの雪のように', in youtube and you should be able to find it. It's translated in Chinese but you can get the approximate idea of its content. The background music that accompanies it is also nice, so check out the J-rock band Back Horn if you like.

I hope you enjoy reading this chapter too and please kindly review and let me know what you think. Also, please stay tuned to the last chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

'_Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart.' – Murakami Haruki, Kafka on the Shore_

* * *

'YOU DID NOT TO COME TO OUR MEETING  
PREPARE TO DIE'

What better feeling could you have when the first thing you read in the morning was a note threatening to eliminate your existence in the world? As I recall the chaotic situation this morning, I feel pity for people around us. _Us_ as in me and that silvery-blue-haired person named Laura Bodewig, an girl from Germany. A mechanical engineering student, she somehow had taken an interest in kendo and even became the secretary of the university's kendo club, of which I am a member. Since the first meeting she had appointed me as her personal slave, driving me to do all paper work that she was supposed to handle. I must have overslept when doing my/her work and forgot about attending our weekly meeting, and when I woke up this morning I found this very encouraging note glued on my door. I was actually glad she did not break the door and barged in directly.

When we met each other this morning in our statistics course, she immediately yelled at me and listed seventy-five reasons why I deserved to die for not obeying her order. It turned out to be a heated argument that did not stop even when the professor had arrived, and that resulted in both of us getting kicked out of the lecture hall, making it my seventy-sixth reason to die.

Com'on, I join the kendo club for fun, as I am pretty confident in my skills. I did not join to entertain her majesty who was not familiar with our culture. Yet everyone was afraid of her and let her do things in her own, totalitarian way. Lord have mercy.

As I step out of the Gothic building, I let a breath out and inhale deeply, watching as the air thickens. It has been two years since I have become a university student and at times I still am not used to the pace here. Comparatively, senior high life was too relaxing and I find it hard to adapt to Todai's rapid pace of everything. I always reminisce the nonsensical yet delightful time at senior high, when I was alone at night in my dormitory room. I miss those days. [Author Note: Todai means Tokyo University, widely considered as best university in Asia]

Then of course, I have friends here. Houki got accepted as expected, and she even earned a scholarship to enter the school. She still yells at me all the time, but things got much better after…well…let's just say we are together now. Being a devoted mathematics brainiac, she does not have much time to spend on the kendo club that she chairs, and that results in me being toyed around by that foreign girl. I complain to her a lot, but it seems like the professors here like her too much to give her free time.

Dan, apart from me, is a surprise addition to Todai's population of undergraduates. Imagine our stunned faces when we both checked our results, and Houki simply stared at the board wondering if she needed glasses. He seems to enjoy life now too, playing regularly in the university's basketball team and even finds himself a cute girlfriend from his department. We still hang out a lot, but his basketball and band practice (he recently forms a band with his teammates) occupy most of his time and we only see each other in class now. Fortunately enough we are studying the same subject, or else I wonder if I'll even see him at all.

It feels surreal whenever I think back to the time in senior high. It was so carefree, so exciting that the rigidly structured environment of university chokes me. That was the time when I had fun going to school, hanging out with friends, her…

An image of a blonde occupies my mind. The way she turns her body and the way she flashes her trademark smile at me…jus the mere thought warms my heart in this cold evening. With hindsight speaking, the one thing that I miss the most about senior high is probably the short amount of time we spent together. It wasn't like any time that I was with Houki or Dan. It was just different. I feel like she completes me, with her presence smoothing my fears away.

Fear of what?

Solitude. Loneliness. Insecurity. Hedgehog's Dilemma.

I haven't seen her since that day, the day that we last talked on the rooftop, where she revealed to me what she had been suffering from and her true feelings.

I laugh, pitying myself. It was one of those moments that you regret for life and would do anything in exchange to do that again, hoping for a different outcome.

_I can't, I murmured. _

_Her fragile figure remained there, amid the chilling wind when she had almost no clothes on._

_I fought to look away, to look at anything but her. I could not. I felt ashamed. Charlotte was pure. Too pure. Too pure for me to reach. Too bright. Too beautiful. _

'…_I see…'_

_She mumbled. Her eyes dropped and the glint was gone. My heart skipped a beat as she broke contact with my eyes and glimpsed at the ground._

'_I've already said before…even though I know this will happen…'_

_No you're wrong. That's not what I mean. That wasn't –_

'_It's okay, Ichika._

'_This is also love, right? It's something that every girl has to go through at least once in a life. It's only normal.'_

_I gawked awkwardly at her as she gave up. Biting my lips, I watched helplessly as she made her decision. As her skins shivered, her lips turned into a small smile. A rueful one that haunted my mind. The most heart-breaking smile I'd ever seen. _

'_So it's alright like this, ne?'_

_Another smile. Another tearful slap at my heart. No more words were exchanged between us, except that she put her clothes back on and, before wordlessly leaving the rooftop, stopped in front of me. In her tidy uniform she looked even chaster than before. _

_As if in slow motion, she pressed her soft hands on my cheeks and leaned forward. _

_I blinked, and before I regained my consciousness on what had just happened she had already disappeared from my eyesight. It was as if she had evaporated along with the snow. _

Nature likes to play her own joke on me. As I reminisce about my past with Charlotte on that white day snow starts dancing in the wind again. I raise my head to embrace them in discontent. I have regretted my action on that day ever since, and every time it starts to snow her image immediately float into my mind.

Charlotte was gone on the next day after that. No one had seen her for days. It seemed that she quit school after that day, and I could not get much information from teachers who were in-charge of her class.

'_You didn't hear about that? And I thought you two were close…' _

_I made a face as I didn't know how to really respond to that statement. Others perceived us to be close, but we were so distant from each other. _

'_It seems that her mother has passed away after having stayed in hospital for quite some time, and she is now adopted by relatives in a different prefecture.' Her form master, an old man who had taught for almost three decades in this school, revealed. 'That's the only thing I know. She did not talk much to others about this anyway.' When I asked for her phone number, the school refused to disclose it. Yes, I did not have her number. For all the days we communicated we only talked when we faced each other. Odd, huh? But that's how we worked._

From what I had found out later, it seemed that other factors contributed to her departure too. There was no mention of her step-father, which I assume that he got what he deserves for what he had done. And I wonder if moving away could really solve her problem.

Up till this day I still wonder if what she has done is an act of love, as she proclaimed. I am not sure if she loved me and I loved her. I have never been good at these things, and it could just be that I was at the wrong place at the wrong time to fill the empty space in her heart. Transference. To her, I just happened to be there when she needed someone to rely on.

Of course, if that's the case then that can explain everything. That will untie the knot in my heart.

_I stared at her empty seat in her classroom, waking up from my dream and telling myself that she was not there anymore. _

But if.

_I walked this empty corridor and let the still emptiness engulfed me. The whole atmosphere of the school seemed to have changed slightly after her absence. People talked about that, obviously, and it was weird that even though she was so popular, no one seemed to be close to her. Not her teammates from her tennis team or her co-workers in the student council or her classmates. My name was brought up whenever people talked about her. _

Just if.

_As I was changing my footwear, I found a note lying flat in my shoe locker. Without much second thought and a boring look, I took and read the content._

If that really was love.

_A series of numbers. A phone number, to be exact. Charlotte. Charlotte's name was the first thing on my mind. She left this note. She left me her contact. She was here._

Even if one knows that there won't be a satisfying outcome at the end.

_I dialled that number as I rushed to the rooftop, climbing the stairs with my most determined strength. I had no idea why I did that, but I only knew she could be there, somehow. She had to be._

Understanding that premise clearly.

_No one was answering and I grew impatient. I gritted my teeth as I ran and ran. _

Without stopping.

_Various images dashed in my mind. Image of her teasing my relationship status. Image of her shocked countenance when I told her I didn't care much about her part-time job. Image of her broken smile. Image of the sight of her back. Image of her almost-naked body. Image of her pure smile. _

Without surrendering.

'_Hello?'_

Love.

_I froze. I knew that voice. I recognized that voice. I cried._

You'll still fight for it.

'_Hello? Who is this?' Oh Charlotte, even at a time like this you still have to make fun of me. How stupid of me for not recognizing her number._

At least, that is what I think.

The winter that accompanies her presence will eventually go away, and spring will then come. The snow will only melt and becomes forgotten when it is out of people's sight. It disappears completely without others even realizing. When people are aware of the melting snow, they relate it to convenience in life. Less slippery road. Better traffic. Better be warm than cold. No one ever mourns for the death of snow.

With hindsight speaking, she wouldn't have left any trace of her if she had intended to leave. That sounds more like her. After all, she disappeared without telling anyone. Everyone, myself included, did not know until the teacher said something about it. Maybe I should have paid more attention. Maybe I should have acted differently at the rooftop that day. Maybe if I…

Forget it. Thinking about the past will not help my present when I have the future to worry about.

Winter comes and goes. Disinterested people surrounding me walk past each other's shoulder without raising their nose. I walk by the traffic light, put all my troubles aside and decide to breathe. Breathe in the air. The world sparks brighter after you respire with upmost concentration.

I cross the road without a care as I listen to the sound of snow landing on the ground. If you pay enough attention, you'll know that that's the most beautiful sound in the world. The pureness of that touch cannot be found elsewhere with your mind lingering on the softness of their contact.

I'm sure the blonde who just passes by my side will agree with me.

Some people have said that when you meet the love of your life, time seems to stop. I never believe that, as I am very aware of the things around that girl with blonde hair. I stop moving and turn around, to fine her standing there, unfazed like a doll, looking at the ground with playful eyebrows in a safe distance from where I stand. Holding onto her bag tightly, her braided hair floats around her shoulders as the gentle wind stops by. The lime green coat she is wearing seems to fail its function as her skin shivers timidly in the snow. Ah, snow. Just seeing her figure standing under the snow makes me cry. She raises her head to face me, with her violet eyes beaming at me directly. I am immediately absorbed in her world, totally mesmerized by her spell. Those bright eyes. Those gleaming eyes. Those gloaming eyes.

And then she smiles.

Not a grin or a teasing smirk. The smile that I adore. The smile that I long for. It is pure.

Separated by the railway, I watch in a helpless state as the railway serves its function. The running train blocks my view of her as I just stare. My mind runs in peaceful chaos. My eyesight blurs for a second, envisioning her unmoved body on the same position, waiting patiently for the train to pass, for the chance to meet again. I wait and wait, until the train disappears in front of me and she vanishes along with the moving transport.

Seeing the blank spot, where she was just there fifteen seconds ago, brings unexpected calmness to my spine. My mouth is open as my brain slowly processes the fact that she vanishes from me again. Not a single person is around that spot. There is nothing but snow. Dearly lovely snow.

And then I smile.

The first smile I have had in three years, when she was still by my side.

Snow keeps falling down, but it does not concern me now. The death of snow is not something to be mourned for. Instead, it reminds us of how strong it is, despite its fragile nature. It is illusorily solid.

I look at the empty spot for the last time and turn my back on it, my legs ready to move forward. The image of her smile still shines in my vision.

Charlotte Dunois. The snow that melts me.

Never can I forget what she means to me. The joy and sorrow that she brings and the smile that she flashes. I have no idea if I really have just seen her, if that was really her, or if I will ever see her again. I do not know how she is doing, or worse, if she is even alive and well. I only know that I may just be another person in her life, but just like snow, I will be strong and smile if I see her again.

I start to walk away and move forward with a smile. Raising my head, I embrace the feeling of freedom and look at the sky.

It is still snowing.

* * *

_The End_

* * *

First off, I hope the ending suits most readers' tastes, if not all. I have spent days just working on the part after flashback, on whether I should make them meet again or not. In the original doujin, the protagonist is married to the girl he had a crush on (Houki) and has never seen the girl from the rooftop (Charlotte) again, but he still treasures the time they had spent together. You can say the way I handle Houki, or even the sudden addition of Laura, seems messy, and I admit I have been having second thoughts constantly. Yet I think portraying the protagonist (Ichika) as a university student sounds better to me than a working employee.

In case of any wonder regarding my obsession with snow, the name of the girl (Charlotte) in the doujin means 'snow' in the original doujin, and the title of the doujin makes this reference in kanji too (雪). I think relating Charlotte with snow doesn't sound too bad so I go along with it.

Personally, my favourite is the part where I intertwine flashback and thought together. That is a new try to me and I wish I can expand that more without disrupting the flow of the story.

I guess I'll also state that influences on this chapter, just so if you can find any reference in this chapter. While I was writing this I was under the influence of Radiohead's_ Hail to the Thief_; Depeche Mode's _Violator_; Yellowcard's _When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes_; Philip Glass' soundtrack; Brad Mehldau's piano cover of other songs; and particularly the animated film _Byosoku Go Senchimetoru (5 Centimetres Per Second)_. If you have watched it before you can see I have stolen the ending from that and put it here. It's not totally original, I'm aware, but since this fic is based on a doujin in the first place I hope I can be spared of that crime. I thought about making my own happy/very sad ending, but I hope to follow the doujin's trend as closely as possible, and the ending of _Byosoku_ fits here. I have a lot of trouble describing the internal struggle of the protagonist's feelings when writing it, so I guess that's my retribution.

With this chapter this fic is officially completed. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing this story. It is fun to work on and maybe I will write a more original IchikaXCharlotte or CharlotteXOC fic in the future. I already have some plots in mind, but before really working on them I will probably finish my other fics first. I'm also working on two other fics: one is Clannad and one is an original work that I probably will post on fictionpress or other websites later (now that I've finished all 4 chapters, I'm wondering if Tomoya and Tomoyo from Clannad actually suits this fic better. Oh well). I may just post a random one-shot one day though, who knows?

Enough of my mumbling. Last but not least, I would like to thank everyone who has read this, and also who has reviewed this fic. I really appreciate comments and criticism and I am thankful for those who say they like this story. I also enjoy the communication between writer and reader a lot, as sometimes readers point out things us writers did not notice before. This gives us more chance to improve and think more about our own writing.

Thank you again for reading this fic and please review to let me know what you think! See you all next time!


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